Monday, August 8, 2016

When you least expect it

I started aquatic physical therapy last week. I love it.  The water allows me to move freely and the resistance make it a good work out.  When my first session was over my therapist told me if I wanted to I could stay in the pool a little longer. So I did. I started walking and doing some resistance training that I was just taught.  When all of a sudden out of nowhere I began to cry. I mean really cry.  I was standing in this pool all alone and crying.  Memories of Lane flooded my mind.  I started asking the usual questions:  Why did he have to die? What am I supposed to do now? Will I ever feel like a whole person again? After a few minutes I stopped crying as suddenly as I began.

After Lane died I cried everyday.  I remember sitting in my office or in the car when the uncontrollable urge to cry came over me. This heavy duty crying lasted about two years.  Now I have been a widow for 10 years. Common sense says these meltdowns wouldn't happen anymore.  But they do.  Not everyday but for me when I least expect it I'm brought to tears.

This winter I was sitting on an airplane when for no apparent reason I burst out in tears. The passenger next to me tried to console me. He told me not to be afraid that the plane wouldn't crash and we would all be safe. I wasn't crying out of fear I was crying out of loneliness. I looked at this nice man sitting next to me and I wanted it to be Lane so much that it made me cry.

When I least expect it I get all kinds of weird feelings about Lane and my life then and now.  At a farmer's market I suddenly got so angry at Lane that I had to leave.  Why a farmer's market? Have no idea. I don't think we ever shopped at a farmer's market together. Then there was the time I attempted to clean out my basement.  In spite of making progress I began to feel sick.  Kind of weak and light headed. I was sure that this was all Lane's fault.  He did promise to clean out the basement by the end of March. Did he die on March 18th so he didn't have to finish the clean up operation?

So if you ever ask yourself if you will ever get used to being a widow, I say no you won't. Not a 100% anyway.  While you might get used to living alone and doing all of the housework, paperwork etc., when you least expect it you too will get hit in the head with emotions and feelings that remind you that you're in this alone now.  Your husband is not there to pick you up or help you out.

My occasional outbursts are less frequent now then at the 5 year mark or the 8 year mark but they still come and leave me feeling sad and lost.  In spite of coming a long way after two years of daily crying I don't think I'll ever be free of having to vent my bottled up anger, guilt, loneliness.  I guess crying helps me release those feelings when they get to be too much for me to carry around.  

Do any of you have these incidences that just happen when you least expect it?


PS.  Sorry I haven't posted more often this summer.  Sometimes I feel that I might have run out of things to share and say.  Sometimes I get preoccupied with other things and other times I'm just lazy.  To those of you who worried about me, thank you and I'm fine.