Sunday, October 4, 2015

Ups and downs

As we all know and have experienced, life is full of ups and downs.  As good as any marriage is (or was) nothing runs smoothly all of the time. 

Through the years Lane and I had our share of kid problems, family issues, money worries, etc., etc.  Somehow we got through the down times and were lucky to have more ups than downs. I learned that teamwork and the strong bond between us could get us through anything as long as we were together.

Now here I am still facing ups and downs.  But with no one to share either experience with.  I don't want to rely on the kids to always help me through bad times.  So I keep sounding upbeat and positive when I don't feel that way at all.  Even good times aren't easy to share with friends and family.  Sometimes I think I sound phony when I get excited about something in my life. 

As a widow,  I try to keep my life balanced and handle the ups and downs quietly, passively.  I have lost so much of my fire over the past 9 years. I think my emotional compass in on neutral most of the time.  Good times are great and bad times just need to be handled however I can.

I think I miss Lane more when I am going though an up period.  It was fun to be able to laugh and share when you feel happy and joyous.  Bad doctor reports or financial problems, of course, would be easier to deal with if he was still with me.  But for me it is really difficult to feel excited, let alone joyful, about anything when he is not here to enjoy it with me.

So what about you?  When do you miss your husband most?  Is it when you are going though an up time or a down?