Monday, April 14, 2014

Happy Holidays?

Whether you celebrate Passover, Easter or just that it's finally spring, holidays can be really difficult.  You are supposed to be happy or excited or at the very least willing to participate.  But if you are anything like me, that's not as easy as it sounds.

I don't know what feels worse -- going to a family gathering or being home alone. I've tried it both ways.  When Lane first died I had a really hard time joining in on holiday functions. Family members had good intentions telling me I should come and enjoy myself. "Why be alone?" was a common theme.  I usually ended up leaving as early as possible and feeling hugely relieved when I got in my car to go home.

Then I began lying about how I was spending the holiday. I would tell family members I was going to a friend's and friends I was going to be with family.  This deception was easy to pull off because I think it must have been a relief that I was "somewhere else."  Didn't have to worry about me and didn't have to deal with me.

After a couple of years of keeping holiday celebrations at arm's length, I started doing some holidays again at my house. Without Lane's help it was a lot more work but I felt more in control of the situation which got me through it.

Now after 8 years of holidays on my own I do whatever I choose to do. I don't do what others think I should do or tell me to do.  Sure there are still times that I go to a gathering and wish I had stayed home and the other way around.  But now I try to follow my heart and do what I think will work best for me.

How do you handle the holidays?