Monday, April 13, 2015

2 against 1

First I would like to update all you kind women on my health.  So far, so good.  My last round of tests were very positive.  Although the chemo treatment was pretty gruesome on my body and soul, it delivered good results.  For me, that tumor shrunk and was completely contained.  I actually feel pretty good and started a lighter chemo formula last week which has minimal side effects.  Thank you all for your thoughts, caring and prayers. I can never express how good it feels to be surrounded by people who understand how difficult this part of my life is without Lane's help and support.

Over the past 9 years I have had some lonely stops on this journey but by far this is the worst part of this trek. I guess I had always thought that if one of us with struck with some terrible disease it would always be 2 against 1 (Lane and I vs. disease) so naturally we would win and cancer, or heart disease or whatever would never be victorious over love and friendship.  I know that sounds idealistic and totally unrealistic but I clung to that idea even after this blog taught me that diseases kill people and as a result wives become widows.

Lane died without warning.  It must have take about 30 seconds and he was gone forever.  So many people have told me that "That's the way I want to die.  No problem, no fuss to anyone."  Or, "Lane died just the way he would have wanted it.  He would have hated being a burden or having to ask for help."  Well, none of us wants to be a burden. However, I've come to realize that having the emotional and physical support of the one who loves you most is a blessing not a burden. 

Now that I am a widow fighting a disease alone, let me tell you your husbands were very lucky to have your help through those darkest of days.  Being able to hold Lane's hand, hear his voice and listen to his encouragement would mean so much to me.  And, I can promise you that your husbands' road was much easier with you by his side.

Be proud and feel good that you were there to support and help your husband in any and every way you could. You were there when he needed you most.

Looking at things in retrospect, how do you feel about spending his last years, months, days or hours together?  I can tell you, I wish Lane was here for me to lend the ultimate hand of support and love. Maybe that's selfish?