Since your husband died, how many times have you wished you were also dead? I think many of us have thought that we would find peace or reunite with our husbands if we were dead. I have no idea if those things would actually happen but they sound pretty good, don't they?
I have never been able to tell anyone about the times since Lane died that I just wanted to die. When I say it out loud it sounds so dramatic and desperate. I would have freaked out my family if I ever uttered the fact that there have been plenty of times over the past 8 years that I want to die. I have never been suicidal but from time to time I have wondered if death is a better alternative to widowhood. Of course it is a rhetorical question that none of us can answer for sure. But I'm pretty certain that we have all had some dark days when just not having to cope with being alone sounds pretty darn good.
In reality I don't believe I am ready to die. I have a lot of reasons to live. I have kids and grandchildren that I think still need me. I've never been to Australia. Plus, I'm bound and determined to spend every last cent I ever contributed to profit sharing.
I personally believe that we have little say in when we die. Some people never smoke and get lung cancer. Others eat or drink to excess and live to be 90. Too many good people die young. So who knows the rules?
Being a widow is not an easy life. Missing what was and what you planned for goes with the territory. I know they say "life is for the living" and I do believe that but I also think that it not a sign of weakness or mental illness to feel so sad and alone that death seems like a viable alternative.
But we all have to hang in there. For ourselves, our loved ones and each other. It is hard to share those really deep, dark feelings with others. It creeps them out. We can share those feelings with each other.
Let me know what you think about this topic.