Sunday, March 22, 2015

Fears and the widow

I think most of us would agree that since our husbands died our fears about many things have surfaced. Right after a spouse dies some widows’ feel unsafe in their own homes. All of a sudden every shadow and noise create anxiety and fear.  Other widows are afraid of driving at night, buying a car, keeping up without household maintenance, etc. While some of us learn to cope with our initial fears, for many there are plenty of new fears to come.

A couple of years after Lane died I began to feel fearful about socializing.  I went on a few dates but honestly was afraid the man wouldn’t like me and more fearful he would.  Even a family outing or the most casual party generated my anxiety about how I would be perceived or accepted as an individual rather than part of a couple.  My solution (right or wrong) was to stay home alone where that fear didn’t exist.

My current fears focus on getting older, retiring and death.  I’m 66 years old and going through cancer treatment so if I weren’t fearful I would be in denial or worse.   

I guess my last big fear is the whole death thing.  I honestly don’t think I have a fear of dying.  I do fear the possibility of being in physical pain before I die.  I also fear the emotional pain my death will be for the kids, family and a couple of close friends.  And I fear that there is no heaven and Lane won’t be there to meet me after my life journey is finished.  

I guess fears are part of life.  Maybe as a widow I have become super sensitive to my fears. I no longer have Lane to share my fears with.  I longer have Lane to reassure me that everything is going to be okay. No wonder the fears I used to brush off oftentimes seem insurmountable.  In part, I believe it’s because I am a widow.

What do you fear?